Cycle Day 1…again

Here we are again…Cycle day 1. Our Beta dropped back down on Monday. I haven’t been in a place to write about it, or think about it until now. Actually, I’m not sure I am in a good place to talk about it even now. We knew last Friday that the odds were not in our favor to keep this pregnancy. While our numbers did rise, they did not double. Hubby held out hope over the weekend that we had a little fighter on our hands who was just a little slow to start. Anyone who knew our situation would say that there was still hope and that miracles happen. I could not let myself go there. I couldn’t get my hopes up again only to be crushed again 3 days later. I knew it was over. I did most of my crying after that Friday phone call. I spent the weekend relaxing and actively trying not to think about what was happening inside of me. I reminded myself that it was over- I was not pregnant. I couldn’t let myself go down the same path I went down in September. I was crying every time I was alone…in my classroom, driving home, in the shower and when Hubby left for work my anxiety was out of control. I couldn’t do that again. I know that this might happen again. If I shut down every time, it is not helping my body get ready for a baby and will make the coming months exponentially stressful. Am I sad? Very much so. The picture of our embryo is still on the fridge. I mourn the loss of what might have been. I mourn the hope that we had at the start of this cycle, that will not be matched in the future. I miss the nausea and stretching that I was feeling. I am sad but I am moving forward.
The spotting started yesterday afternoon. By the time I woke up this morning I was having pretty serious cramps and my Aunt Flo was here in full force. For a day one, it is probably the heaviest period I have ever had. For this reason, I am so happy that today is also a snow day! The first one of the year! I am happy to stay home with my Tylenol and heating pad. I plan to spend the rest of my day experimenting with gluten free recipes…yes, I am desperate enough to give it a shot. I am not really sure if I will end up doing the entire gluten free avenue or just carb free. All I know is that I have to do something to make me feel in control of my infertility. Something is obviously not working. I can’t go through the next cycle thinking that it was something I could control that was keeping me from staying pregnant. That being said, goodbye carbs and hello real food. I am trying to view this as a challenge to make healthy meals taste better. Last night was eggplant parm without the breading and baked instead of fried. That was a win. Tonight I am making chicken nachos—on baby peppers instead of chips. Tomorrow night will be spaghetti squash with ground beef and homemade tomato sauce. I have never jumped on the spaghetti squash in place of pasta bandwagon but since pasta is on my list of foods I will miss most, I have to give it a shot.
So where do we go from here? For more blood work of course. Due to the storm today, I will go in tomorrow morning and hope that my HCG levels are below 10. If this is the case, I will start estrogen patches tomorrow and we will have our FET on February 25. If the numbers have not dropped enough I will go back on Monday and hope that they have in the extra 2 days. While I am glad to be onto our second IVF cycle, I am worried about what the problem could be. Were these 2 early losses merely luck of the draw? They implant then fizzle. Were these 2 just not quite perfect? Or is there a bigger problem? Is it my hormone levels? That we can probably fix. My biggest worry is that the problem lies within my eggs. What if whatever problem we had with the first two will carry on through all of my eggs? I have read that the increased level of testosterone in women with PCOS can damage egg quality. Unfortunately, genetic testing runs between 2,000 and 8,000 and we wouldn’t consider it for our already frozen embryos. That means that we have at least 2 more cycles that we will just have to pray, then wait and see. My nurse doesn’t seem overly worried about our first IVF loss. I will have to try to take their optimistic point of view. I honestly can say that I couldn’t have imagined the pain of multiple losses before I knew about my infertility. I also could never imagined the strength that I would find throughout this journey. This mindset that, no matter how much heartache we are faced with, I am willing to keep going, to risk that hurt again. And isn’t that the epitome of being a mother.