There is nothing like waking up bright and early on a Saturday to get your blood drawn. Especially on a Saturday where everything is covered in snow and it is only 9 degrees outside. Yesterday I would have been extremely happy to stay in bed until hubby got home at 9. That would have been nice…but I had to go find out if my HCG level had dropped below 10 so that we can start our first FET cycle. To look on the upside, I liked driving there in the daylight rather than the predawn pitch black that I get to navigate through on workdays. There was also less traffic. The wait was a little longer and I was sitting across from 3 pregnant women. Not cool. That was just an unnecessary slap in the face on this bitterly cold morning. I used to panic before blood draws, I was not a fan of needles and anticipated the prick with such high anxiety. Now I’m in, I’m stuck and I’m out. I can direct them to the best vein…usually in the arm that isn’t as bruised. My poor veins need a break. Then I was out of there to wait for the call that we could either start estrogen patches or come back on Monday to get another level check.
Hubby forgot to tell me that he couldn’t find his keys the night before and grabbed his truck key off of my key ring. That meant that he had no house key. Of course we have a spare, but with the snow and all- not so easy to get to. I figured he would dig it out and be asleep by the time I got home. I stopped for coffee and pulled into the driveway to see him waiting for me in his truck. I know he was just waiting for my key, but I was glad I got to hug him and chat for a minute before he went to bed.
I relaxed guilt free with a nice fire and my kindle- I’m reading the 5th Wave series and I got hooked. I was pleasantly surprised that the Dr. on call got back to me before noon. The results were in…HCG level…2. We are a go for our next cycle. The patch was promptly applied to my rear end and I went about putting dates on our calendar. I will be on 1 patch for several days, changing every other day of course, then 2 patches, then 4 and then back to 2 until Transfer. It looks like transfer will be February 25 with monitoring appointments beginning about a week before. My plan: no stress, no carbs, lots of water and POM juice. Gotta grow that lining nice and thick.
On a slightly different note- I had a nice crying session to hubby the other day. While I know that we have only had 1 cycle, and many women take more than one IVF cycle to have a successful pregnancy- I felt panicked. If that one didn’t work, will any of them? What if it is my eggs? If so, what will we do if all 6 covered rounds fail? Is that it? I knew that Hubby was hesitant to adopt, if it is just my eggs, do I want someone else’s eggs? Then the baby would be genetically my hubby’s but not mine. Not sure how I feel about that. A surrogate? That all seems so complicated and expensive. Would my chances of having a baby end with the 6th IVF? Hubby’s answer was that we would just keep trying naturally.
My thoughts: What about this does he not get at this point? If I could get pregnant naturally we would not be where we are.
Whether or not this is what he meant or not, what I heard was that if these 6 cycles don’t work we are done unless some miracle called natural conception occurs.
Que the crying, the utter panic that I need one of these cycles to work or else I would never be a mother. That is a ton of pressure to put on myself. I saw the next 5 months as a countdown to the end rather than 5 more chances to succeed.
I wasn’t mad at him for this- I understood all of his points and the concerns of cost and genetics. I know he wants a baby that is genetically ours. So do I. I also knew that if we don’t succeed in the next 5 months we had some very difficult conversations ahead of us. I decided to tell him my thoughts, which I’m pretty sure he already knows in depth. I want to be a mother. It is the only thing I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing house. I can’t give up on my dream. But the decision is no longer mine alone. I love my husband. If I had to choose between him and this dream I would choose him hands down. He is my soul mate. But my entire being wants to be a mother. So we left it at that- his thoughts and mine out on the table with nowhere to go for the next 5 months.
Then this morning he comes home from work and tells me we need to talk. Oh boy. Did something happen at work? Is he not going to be put on days this summer? Are we going to have that weight loss and healthy eating conversation again? Is he going to tell me that he wants to take a break from IVF? Not only did he need to talk, he wanted to go talk on the couch so that (in his words) he could hug me after… I swear if he is doing all of this and stressing me out to tell me that he wants me to buy him more bananas I was going to kill him. He has been known to do this type of thing before. I would think that after almost 5 years he has learned that this is a bad idea. So I got out of bed and made my way to the couch. He sat next to me and asked me to make him an omelet. Are you freaking kidding me!?!?! Good thing he was kidding.
Then the serious talk began.
He started by saying that he was thinking at work last night. Here is what came next “ I love you too much to not have your dreams come true”. If our next 5 cycles don’t work we will not give up. We will do what we have to do to have a baby. And then I started crying. I do a lot of that. It was like he lifted a huge weight off of me. The pressure that I felt for these next 5 to work felt lighter. I want to have my babies on my own. I want to feel them grow inside of me and have them put on my chest as soon as they are born. I still worry that that will not happen. But the worry that I will never get to be a mother got lighter. I told him that this was probably the best and most meaningful thing he has ever said to me. Then I made him an omelet!
I married the perfect man for me. No doubt about it. I know that it takes him more time to process things- especially changes. Take our getting married for example—it took him forever to process this idea and make a decision. Same went for moving in together and telling me that he loves me. It just takes him longer. He is a thinker. This being said, his decisions are sound. His choices are more meaningful because I know how much thought he has put into it. This decision that he has made for our family and for my happiness is brave of him- it is selfless and it is the deepest part of what marriage means. We put the dreams of our spouse before our own. We do everything we can to ensure their happiness. I hope he feels that I do this for him as well. I have always been proud to be his wife, he is an amazing man and today, he only deepened that pride I have for him and our marriage and our future family.