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August 5, 2018

Terrific Twos

The Pediatricians parting words at our 18 month appointment were “ get ready for the terrific twos”.  It took me a minute to understand his sarcasm because I just could not fathom my girls in the midst of tantrums or showing significant sass before they were even two years old.

I’m sure said doctor would be chuckling at my now as my almost 22 month olds are showing off their dramatic sides.  The drama is here and I, naive mama that I am, stare wide eyed and mouth agape as my little, gentle peanut of a daughter- flails on the ground over wanting snaps on her dress like her sister, not the buttons that her outfit sported.  Or when I tell her she can have water instead of milk. Or I put her in her highchair to eat meatballs and sauce without her beloved WHITE, non-washable bunny.  Miss O has mastered the limp limb approach when I try to put her down after coming in from the car- forcing me to gently pour her seemingly liquid form onto the ground while still holding onto her sister and the diaper bag.  This little lady is also making up for the months of her sister taking her toys, pulling her hair and taking advantage of her gentle nature. She fights for her toys, takes things from her sister and plays a mean game of tug of war over the straw stolen from Hubby’s Starbucks coffee. I hear the word NO frequently and with emphasis. My stubborn little sweetheart knows what she wants and what she doesn’t. There will be no convincing her if she decides the answer is no.

On the flip side, my previously assertive, somewhat rough first born twinnie is not flailing on the ground. Why? Because she is attached to me 24-7. Separation anxiety is here to the max. We get going in the morning and she drinks her milk at my feet in the kitchen as I make breakfast. Lord, help me if she finishes her milk before breakfast is ready. There are tears and wailing and trying to climb up my legs. Belles has figured out that if she asks for hugs or snuggles rather than yelling “up”- my heart melts and I stop what I am doing. How can you deny a teary eyed plea for snuggles? Our day continues and I have a toddler attached to my leg while I clean up breakfast, get dressed, brush my teeth and by that time I take her to snuggle on my lap on the couch while we usually read a book or five. I am convinced that she would sit contentedly in my lap all day and night. Her sister has other ideas of a good time though, and needs a coloring partner or a mommy to continuously get her down from the stool or counter or highchair that she has climbed up. Belles will fight me every time I put her down until I distract her with an activity and that only lasts until she notices that she is not physically attached to me. I do love the snuggles, but I also need to attempt to keep the house livable and have clean clothes in drawers. Oh and if I have to use the bathroom? Yep, I have an audience…or I have screaming children on the other side of the door who only have to push hard enough and then they fall in said door. Isabelle is hopefully on the right track at bedtime after hubby and I went away for two nights. While she slept fine while we were gone, upon our return she would bawl at bedtime as soon as we set her into her crib. 45 minutes of periodic soothing sessions finally got her to sleep. … Until midnight- when she was up calling for me again. To avoid two crying babies, I took her to bed with us where she stayed awake until 2 or 3 happily climbing between hubby and I and snuggling in every possible position until she finally fell asleep. I am assuming this has to do with our being away, but we all need better sleep after the last few nights.

So yes, the “terrific twos” have begun, I try to keep in mind that all of these tantrums and clingy days are due to developmental leaps. They still can’t express their thoughts effectively and this causes frustration. Believe me, I keep explaining this to myself when I want to scream along with Olivia or hide for a minute from Isabelle for just a second of personal space.

While this age certainly has it’s challenging traits, it also has some wonderful changes. Today for example, the girls played with playdough at the kitchen counter for probably 30 minutes with Daddy. They have discovered coloring and Olivia asks for “colors” multiple times a day. That activity will keep them occupied for a good block of time which is a welcome break from needing to entertain them all day long. If only I could accomplish some chores while they do this but Isabelle will not let me leave the playroom and I am not 100% sure they are out of the eating crayons stage. Of course we have had to clean up some crayon mishaps on the island and bathroom door when a crayon escapes the playroom. Magic Erasers are seriously going to be my saving grace for this stage! So with the tantrums comes a bit more independent play and  longer attention spans along with watching the girls begin to play together rather than next to each other.  We are also enjoying hearing two little voices trying out new words, repeating everything we say and  expressing their desires….snuggle, hug, outside, snack, milk, naked, cape, blanket, pillow  are ones we herd most often and yes, Isabelle is not a big fan of clothes when it is hot  so she is known to ask to be naked. That kid is a little furnace and is constantly sweating.  With only two months to go until they complete their second year I am starting to wish time would slow down (when they are not flailing on the floor). I love so much about this age and watching my girls grow every single day is why I know that staying home with them was the absolute right decision for our family.  So let the terrific twos continue…stayed tuned as I am sure there will be some interesting stories to come.

 

July 1, 2018

Not so fast…

We thought we were finally at a point where we could start healing from our loss. I mean it’s been over a month since Frosty’s heart stopped beating, weeks since my body let go of him and now we are 5 days past my IPAS procedure. I have nothing left, physically or mentally- I feel raw in both aspects. So when out RE called and started with saying she was following up after my procedure, I asssumed that’s all it was. But after all of this, I should have known better. The real reason for the call was to explain that they had tested my tissue, which I didn’t know they would do, and or came back showing chronic endometrial inflammation.

An infection. I honestly just stopped listening to her after that. HOW? How is it possible to still, after months, after everything- I am still haunted by this loss? I know I have to call soon to ask questions- specifically what this means for potential future pregnancy attempts and am I at risk for more complications down the road? .. but for now I am just going about daily life while adding in an antibiotic. I told hubby after the IPAS that I don’t want anything in that area for quite awhile. I need a break from the pain. Sadly, I will need a biopsy in the coming weeks to make sure the infection is gone. I heard that is painful.

I go back and forth daily about wanting to try again. I thank God daily for my daughters and hubby and have to remind myself when I am especially sad, that the things I used to pray for, I am vlessed to have now. But there are still sad days, there are still tears almost daily and there are still days I think about how pregnant I should be right now. Hopefully this will be our last hurdle, our last step in this loss before we can truly begin healing and find clarity in what comes next.

June 27, 2018

The final stage

This miscarriage has been so draining, emotionally as well as physically. It has drawn out over weeks. I felt like it was behind us several times only to be knocked down when the doctors and nurses reported that it wasn’t over. Last I wrote, I believe I had gone through the actually miscarriage of the baby and thought that the loss was over. I went in for an ultrasound a few days later to make sure everything had been flushed out naturally. I fully expected to be cleared by our RE to move on with grieving and let my body heal. That wasn’t the case. The tissue and vessels that had connected me to our baby was still intact even though the sac was gone. I was prescribed misoprostol to basically induce a labor of sorts and shed the rest of the tissue. I was given oxy and an anti nausea prescription to take with it and I had heard from a close friend that it was a painful process. To say I was expecting a good deal of pain and a very long night was an understatement. But I should know that my body doesn’t do what it is supposed to and the medication had absolutely no effect on me. No cramps. No bleeding.  The next step was to attempt it again the next night. 4 more pills taken vaginally and again, no reaction. I was hoping there was nothing left to lose and that was why nothing happened. I mean really, how can nothing be working the way it should? Could I not catch a break? The next day was another ultrasound and another blow. That lining was still hanging on. Time was up to let my body handle this loss on its own. I was scheduled for a procedure called IPAS. That brings us to today. I ate dinner at 5:30 last night and was instructed to eat nothing before my 2:00 appointment today.

Hubby’s mom came to watch the girls, showing up 20 minutes early and waking the girls from their naps. She wanted to take the girls on a walk with her friend who lives down the road. All I wanted was to go into my procedure with no worries. I wanted the girls safe and sound at home while I wasn’t there with them. What I did not want was my girls out for a walk with a person I had never met on our windy back road with no sidewalks. I did not want my mother in laws attention divided between caring for my kids and socializing with her friend. I told Hubby I was not comfortable with the walk idea and thought he would take care of it. Long story short, it lead to a huge argument in the car on the way to the hospital where harsh words were spoken and lots of tears fell between my hurt feelings and the emotions of what I was going through emotionally. Those tears turned into sobs for the loss of our baby, for the fact that we were going back to where our baby was transferred back to me and now we were officially ending its journey and perhaps the finality of our attempts to have any more children. It all seemed to be too much.

I was unable to turn off the tears as we entered the unit or when the nurse had me signing consents. I cried through my IV and the doctor explaining the procedure. I waited in the same room where I had waited for my egg retrieval and four transfers. For all of our happy, hopeful events and here I sat waiting to end that journey in tragedy, in loss. I was a mess. They rolled me into the same OR where they brought our Embryos back to me—all 5 of them. What a full circle we have traveled. I waited for the drugs to take effect, to relax me and put me into the twilight they promised. It never came. The speculum hurt. The shot to the cervix hurt. The dilation hurt. Then they began suction and I have never been in so much pain. I bawled and grabbed onto the bars of the bed. It was terrible. I feel like I hadn’t been prepared for the pain of this procedure at all. It seemed to take forever and I seemed to be bleeding more than expected. When I finally got wheeled out I was still hurting.. and crying.  This was not how this road was supposed to end. It was supposed to be a beginning of a beautiful new life. Not such a painful end to a life hardly started. But whether or not this was how it was supposed to go, this is the end of our little Frosty’s story.

I ate some crackers with ginger ale, took both Ibuprofen and an antibiotic and we were on our way home. It’s over. There is no more baby, nothing left of my pregnancy except for a dull ache from the trauma my uterus went through today. I hurt for so many reasons and hope that I can finally start to heal. I worry that I will have to give up on having another baby because Hubby is content with just our two. My heart not only has to heal from losing our baby but heal from the loss of the possibility of becoming a Mommy again, of carrying another life inside of me. I am not ready to mourn that loss yet.  That is a seed for another post on another day. Now I will focus on finding comfort in my bed and in my heating pad. Tomorrow I will find comfort in my little family as we spend the day together.

June 10, 2018

Now what?

Where do you go from here? That is the question ping ponging around my mind day in and day out. A miscarriage is traumatic whether it is in the first trimester or the last. Losing a child, whether you have held it in your arms or not leaves scars that do not easily fade. Frosty was our last embryo from our first retrieval. I carried him or her- we will go with him because that’s what my dream told me- for about a month and felt every stretch of growth, every night of heartburn and nausea and every craving for cheeseburgers, orange juice and pickles. I dreamed about this baby and his future. Who would he look like, what would he love and hate, who would he become. I saw him running in the backyard with his sisters. So when they could no longer find a heartbeat on that unforgettable morning- my baby died along with all of my dreams for him and growing our family.

I opted to let my body try to handle this loss naturally and it took just over a week. That week was full of cramping and crying. There has not been a day that has gone by in over 3 weeks where I have not cried. I had no idea how my body would handle this loss but I was not prepared for the actual event of my miscarriage. It was not just a heavy period but a birthing process that my girls witnessed because I was the only one home with them and couldn’t leave then unattended for the amount of time it took. I was not prepared for this loss on any front.

It’s been 2 days now that I have not held my baby under my heart and my heart and body ache for it. My mind is racing for way to heal, to move forward and to decide what is next for our family. To grow our family means another retrieval.  It also would mean PGS testing to lower our chances of this happening again. That is not cheap and not covered by insurance. Our biggest question, or at least my biggest conflict is whether I am at peace with having my two girls and no more. I love our girls to the moon and back which is a huge reason I want another. I am struggling greatly with the question of what is best for them. I was one of two children so I can’t attest to having to share with more than one other sibling. My concerns are for them…

My main concern is that with three, one will be left out…

I have 2 hands, one for each of them. With a third, one will have to hold a sibling or my shirt or some other dangling something.

My lap fits two…not so much three at a time.

When they all have sporting events or recitals or whatever they may be involved in…somebody doesn’t have a parent watching them.

Another concern is more selfish. We are finally normalizing our adult relationship. We are enjoying a few hours together after bedtime and cocktails on the deck. We are sleeping through the night. We are well rested and more like our old, energized selves. I can see the future with the girls, growing and enjoying more activities and traditions together.  Do we want to reset the clock and go back to sleepless nights, endless bottles, colic, spit up, sleep training etc. My mind says I love my sleep but my heart says it will only be another year or so of our lives before a third baby will sleep the night through and we will be back to where we are today. Can our marriage survive another go with a newborn?

Then there are the logistics… Finances are balanced well for our current situation. A third might make things a bit tight. We would definitely need a mini van.  I also have Target and Costco trips down with two…three would be a whole new ballgame.

Of course we thought of all of this before our last FET but it was just a natural progression as Frosty was our last embryo and we had to close the circle. This would be a very intentional and big decision to start over and possibly have more embryos left over yet again. Can I leave them there? Can I dispose of them? I am fairly certain three children would be it for us. And finally, do I want to put myself through a retrieval again? Shots, monitoring, more shots, hormone induced emotions, surgery, recovery and who knows how many FETs.

All of these considerations are being balanced with the very strong desire in my heart to carry, birth and love one more baby, one more toddler and watch them grow into whoever they are destined to become. I long to feel life inside of me, for a different birthing experience, newborn snuggles, cooing, first smiles and laughs. I want to watch my girls become big sisters. I want to savor one last time, the magic that is having another combination of hubby and I look back at me from the bassinet beside the bed. I look down the road and see a big family, three kids coming home with their own families.

It is a big decision. One that Hubby and I will make together, hopefully both leaning the same way. What I know is that we are not ready to make that decision today. Our loss is to fresh, the tears still fall daily. But soon we will need to decide and it is honestly looking to be one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make.

May 29, 2018

Heartbreak

I have told start by saying thank you to everyone who thought of us, prayed for us and wished us luck today. Sadly, our sweet baby no longer had a heartbeat today. While I stopped feeling pregnant early last week, you always hope for a miracle. We are devestated and at a loss as to where our path leads next. We kniw we need to mourn and heal this loss of a little angle we gave the name Gabriel. Being out last embryo, we are faced with either going through another retrieval or finding peace with having no more children.

I know the next few weeks will be sad and trying as my body comes to terms with our loss and hopefully naturally takes care of what it needs to.

We are praying for an easy few weeks to come and clarity about whether it not our family is complete.

May 15, 2018

Rollercoaster

Infertility is a rollercoaster ride. The highs are amazing and the lows can just knock the wind right out of you. I was cautious going into our last FET. I wad elated when I got two lines and a positive Beta. I have felt sick with achy boobs for two weeks now and started cleaning out the nursery. We went in for our very first ultrasound this mornung feeling very optimistic.

We saw a heartbeat…a beautiful strong heartbeat if 135. I felt peaceful and so happy.

Then came the but…

Our baby is measuring small…gut punch number one.

While we should measure 6 weeks 5 days we only measured 6 weeks 1 day. They said that two or three days is okay but four is worrisome.

The sac is also small…strike two.

Finally, the sack is more crescent shaped instead of round.

The tears started falling.

But the heart is beating! Can it still be okay?

The ultrasound tech and nurse gave us their so sorry faces and said maybe. The odds were low.

We were pulled into a conference room to meet with our doctor who gave us a fifty fifty chance. Then we were guided out of the hidden side door as not to through the waiting room of hopeful couples.

I have spent the day crying and feeling helpless. My babies heart could be stopping and I can’t do anything to help. As a mother, I can’t handle not being able to help my children. I feel deflated that all of that joy could be swept away and replaced with so much heartache. I feel like I need to stay positive and not give up on our Frosty but also want to protect my heart for what might come in the next few weeks.

We go back on May 29th to see if baby has grown or if baby has left us. It is going to be a long two weeks.

Prayers needed.

April 26, 2018

First ER visit

It’s one of those weeks where I can’t believe we are only half way through. It has been a doozy of a week. As you know, last Tuesday was our final FET. I did everything I could think of to give Frosty the best shot of implanting, acupuncture, pineapple, wearing socks and staying warm. I was trying to take it easy, lifting my kiddos one at a time rather than together and trying to even limit that. Everything was going so smoothly…until we landed in the ER on Sunday afternoon.  Our Isabelle gets slammed with the common cold every single time. Her sister may get a runny nose and cough but normally just goes about her daily playing with only a few additional snuggle sessions. Isabelle gets the same cold and, WHAM she is down for the count. It started on Friday, a runny nose slight cough. I wasn’t worried. Saturday was more of the same and she still had plenty of energy to play outside all day. It was Saturday night when she wound up sleeping in our bed because she just kept waking up and crying. Her breathing was increasing and she was tossing and turning all night until I took her out to the couch in the wee hours of the morning to sleep sitting up. No fever, nose was less runny and she wasn’t coughing much…but her breathing was concerning. We counted in the 50 breaths per minute range at first. We assumed that she had a sore throat because she refused to eat or drink anything. I was desperately trying to hydrate her with syringes of water. Our poor baby just wanted to lay in our arms. She napped on a car ride but once we got home her breathing rate was increasing and she had only had a sip or two of water in 18 hours. Our pediatrician had told during our last cold go round  to go to the ER at 70 breaths a minute but we weren’t comfortable with her condition so Hubby supported a call to the on call Dr. who sent us to the ER.

I have never gone to the ER and had no idea what to expect but worried about the horror stories of waiting for hours. I threw together a bag with jammies and snacks and her lovies should we need to stay the night and the two of us made the 45 minute drive, luckily found parking somewhat easily and made our way to the Pediatric ER. There was no wait and we were in an exam room within 5 minutes. After a brief exam we were quickly ushered back to the treatment rooms and swarmed with medical staff. My poor baby was seated in my lap on the gurney as they clocked her breaths at around 60 per minute, she also started running a fever. It was quickly decided that she needed to be on high flow oxygen. This was attached to her cheeks with tubes resting just inside of her nose. While she didn’t like this at first, she seemed to forget about it after a few minutes. She got an IV , nasal swab for RSV, chest xray and blood panels. The ER staff was fantastic. We were given an IPad to watch videos while they poked and prodded. The only glitch was the chest xray…they wanted her to sit on my lap while they did this and thankfully I said that I might be expecting. I hated leaving the room but took the chance to use the bathroom. She was a trooper. Because of the oxygen level and breathing treatments,  we were admitted to the pediatric floor and had to spend the night. Hubby and Livs made the drive up to bring some food and administer my Progesterone shot. Isabelle would not sleep in the crib so I sat all night in a very uncomfortable hospital chair/bed holding this little girl who made me a mommy. Wires were everywhere so I could really only hold her in one position and my constant need to pee made for a very uncomfortable night for me. She managed to sleep a few hours at a time. We spent all of the next day in the same chair and I was itching for updates. I wasn’t overly impressed with our experience on the peds floor. I always felt like I didn’t know what was going on or what the plan was or how we were progressing. They came in sporadically to decrease her oxygen flow, check her vitals and check in on us but I had no idea how long we would be there.  Not to mention listening to the teenager next door be violently sick every few hours. Our final diagnosis was bronchiolitis (not the same as bronchitis) or acute respiratory failure caused by a virus. Belles started getting antsy as she began feeling better and wanted to pull out her tubes. It was late afternoon when they removed her oxygen and unhooked her from wires. While she kept her IV port in at least she was able to move around and she was bouncing off the walls…nothing is child proofed by the way and my kids are fascinated by outlets. Her wheezing started returning so it was a battle to get her to settle down. I was pretty comfortable with her progress and wanted to take her home that night even though they usually observe kiddos for at least 6 hours after being removed from oxygen. Hubby came up with dinner and we talked to the doctors about letting her out after 4 hours of observation. So finally at 9pm we were walking out of the hospital and on our way home. I needed  a shower and my bed because I hadn’t slept for 2 nights at that point. Isabelle and I snuggled into my bed together and neither of us moved until after 8 the next morning.

My happy girl had to visit her pediatrician for a quick follow up where she sounded much better but was diagnosed with another ear infection…sigh… But we are now on the mend. It may take a few weeks for her to be back to normal but we are well on our way.

I hated leaving Olivia at home, it was the first time I slept away from her and I missed her terribly.  The girls definitely missed each other and were happy to see each other the next day, and still today were super snuggly. Hubby did a great job holding down the fort and staying with Livs. It was certainly a challenge for me to be where we were without Hubby being with me but we both did what we had to do for our girls.

Hopefully we won’t be repeating this past weekend again! I am so glad to be home and awaiting our first Beta tomorrow! I would be lieing if I said I wasn’t concerned that the stress and lack of self care over those few days hurt our little Frosty.  Time will tell.

April 18, 2018

Final FET Day

Today was the day! Our last Frozen embryo (Frosty) is safely back in my belly and home with us. If nothing else, he/she will have always come home.  All of today’s events went so smoothly, it was strange not to have any little snags or complications. I woke up early, of course and my kiddos slept in…figures! Well, Miss Olivia was up at her normal 6:45 but instead of being ready to tackle the day, she snuggled in between hubby and I and lounged for a good 40 minutes. Very unlike her! Her sister had to be awoken from her slumber at 8:00 and that my friends was no easy task! Like her mama, she is not a morning person and when she is not ready to get up and you force the issue, she is not a happy camper. At this point I was waiting anxiously for the lab to call, anxious that they would tell us our last baby didn’t survive the thaw. The phone rang at 8:32 as I was making breakfast for my crew. Frosty was thawing well and looking great! We were instructed to arrive at 11:20 for a transfer time of 11:50. I felt such relief and literally jumped up and down in my kitchen. What is great about this FET round is that I am so busy with my girls that time flies and I don’t have time to stress as much. Before we knew it we were on our way, leaving the ladies at home with my stepmom.

We arrived at the surgery center, checked in  in record time and were changing into gowns and scrubs right on time. They gave me some more water to drink even though I drank the prescribed 8 oz on the drive over. I was wheeled back, wrapped in heated blankets (one of my favorite parts!) and we were in the OR getting started. The embryologist came in to confirm our information and give us our picture of Frosty- at which point I cried a bit, especially when she said it looked great. They also did assisted hatching so our little embaby was already beginning that process. The worst part was the speculum, which was abnormally uncomfortable for me. The catheter found its perfect position right away and in came our Frosty!  We saw the little shooting star that was our 5 little one and that was it. I stayed laying down for 20 minutes and we were on our way.

Because today was also my birthday, hubby took me out to lunch where we ate way too much, then to Home Depot to get my new screen door/bday gift, then to Starbucks for a final iced coffee and finally home to my girls who were taking a very late nap. I am grateful that hubby let me relax and took over primary let the girls climb all over you care. I snuggled up in the chair and let everything relax. Sadly, I now feel like total garbage, I feel crampy and sick to my stomach and my hip is killing me. Not sure if it is stress, too much pizza and dessert or what but I am already in bed watching some HGTV. Oh, and a baby is now crying… And life goes on!

Praying for speedy pregnancy feelings, positive Betas and a January due date!

April 5, 2018

Easter, FET and Advice

Anybody else ready for Spring weather? We had snow the day after Easter and rain today. I’ m over it. On the positive side, the peepers and crickets are back—it’s become a tradition to make a big deal the first time one of us hears them. I want nothing more than to be able to open the window at night and fall asleep to summer sounds. We seem to have a ways to go.

Day 7 is upon us for our FET cycle. I am sporting 2 estradiol patches on my backside and continue to count the days until my monitoring appointment- which happens to be the day that we start the progesterone in oil shots. It’s probably a terrible idea, but I have been pinning baby nursery ideas left and right. I should probably spend equal time looking for inspiration for a play room since that is what our last bedroom will be converted to should we not get pregnant.  Some days I think I will be okay without getting to experience pregnancy and a newborn again, my girls certainly fill my days and keep me busy. But then there is a part of me that says our family is just not complete yet. I just don’t know how I am going to feel if this FET doesn’t work.

The girls celebrated their second Easter holiday and it was busy as holidays usually are in our family. We celebrated with Hubby’s Dad and stepmom the night before and the girls had fun playing with their cousin who is only a month younger. Luckily it was beautiful weather and they got to play outside for much of the day. On Easter morning the girls discovered their Radio Flyer 4 in 1 trikes and Easter baskets filled with new spring pajamas, hats and shoes, a book and the Moana soundtrack (They are enjoying this one in the car as much as I am). Mostly things I was going to have to get them anyways, I just popped them into baskets.  No candy or Easter egg hunts this year. We went down to my mom’s for Easter Brunch and the girls each got a few stuffed bunnies( we have soooo many stuffed bunnies!!) and also a Peter Rabbit dinner set with plates, bowls, cups and silverware.

We are hiding their Easter gift from my Dad( a tower with slide for outside) in the spare room because Olivia slipped on the bottom step, hit her chin on the way down and bit just about all the way through her tongue. Let me tell you, tongues bleed. It was horrible. Mom guilt was in full effect.  So that was our Easter…not a huge celebration but it kept us hopping.

Finally, advice is needed!

I am thinking about potty training. I know my little ladies aren’t ready but I am planning ahead and want to be prepared for when they show an interest. What potty brands have people used and what did you think of them? There are so many to choose from. I am looking at the Baby bjorn, summer infant and Saftey First types. I don’t need one to actually look like a toilet but I want the girls to be comfortable. So please help.

When did you start letting your little ones sleep with a blanket? As we transition soon to lighter jammies, I am pondering giving them each a blanket but I’m not sure which kind to give them. We have fleece, cotton, muslin…you name it, we have it…tightly knit, loosely knit from the NICU and even a few quilts. Maybe we will wait it out until we transition them to toddler beds probably next fall…

March 30, 2018

FET Day 1

Day 1… Here we go again! Our FET cycle is finally here and I feel both excited and terrified.

Excited to possibly be pregnant again because, for the most part, I loved being pregnant. Excited at the prospect of a singleton pregnancy that would, fingers crossed, go full term. Excited at having a less traumatic birth with immediate bonding. And of course, I am excited about bringing another combination of hubby and I into our family, seeing our girls as big sisters and getting all of those newborn snuggles and special moments again. Did I mention planning a nursery??? Fun!

But unlike our other FET cycles there are more fears this time. Fear that it won’t work and we won’t go through another retrieval cycle, so this is pretty much it unless some miraculous pregnancy occurs- which is hard to do on BCP. The finality terrifies me. I desperately want to savor my last pregnancy, and those early days with just one baby. I always wanted the twins to grow a little bit faster that first year just so that it would get a bit easier. On the flip side, there is nervousness about being pregnant with two toddlers. I am hoping my first trimester would be similar to my las pregnancy and have no morning sickness, but we might all be napping together in Mommy’s bed on a daily basis. How will I explain to them to be gentle? They stand on , crawl over and occasionally kick or body slam my belly now—that will be a no go. I also have the typical, maybe it won’t thaw fear, the what if the baby isn’t healthy fear and the can I handle 3 under 3 fear.

Despite my fears, I pray that it will work. I hope that the transfer goes smoothly and that my body receives little frosty and allows him/her to grow into our third living blessing.

To prepare for this FET and give myself every advantage, I started acupuncture again this past Monday. Whether it helped conceive the twins or not, I will never know. What I do know is that their cycle was the first that I used acupuncture and, well, we have twins! So we shall try that again. I will go the next 3 Mondays until transfer.

I called in my Day One today and got our schedule…Monitoring appointment and Bloodwork on April 11th and our Transfer will be on April 17…My 33rd birthday. Childcare is all set already thanks to my Stepmom and my first patch has been applied. We also managed to find a less expensive progesterone in oil through a different pharmacy. This nationwide shortage is ridiculous. Those fun little shots will start after my appointment on the 11th.

Princess treatment has also started! Oh how I have missed Hubby’s extra efforts to make sure I am relaxed, stress free and happy. Foot rubs, swapping meals if I think his looks better, ice cream, that kind of thing. Think I may get out of a few diaper changes too!

The only thing I am not digging about day one is that I feel like it is a huge deal! One that should be celebrated with dinner out, a sundae, an in depth look at our FET schedule but this isn’t our first rodeo and life just keeps on chugging along. I’m not sure how to describe it any better than that… All of the build up to today…to calling in my cycle start and applying my first patch and it came and went, no big deal. Hopefully my busy April will make the 17th get here a bit faster! It will sure be a special birthday!