This miscarriage has been so draining, emotionally as well as physically. It has drawn out over weeks. I felt like it was behind us several times only to be knocked down when the doctors and nurses reported that it wasn’t over. Last I wrote, I believe I had gone through the actually miscarriage of the baby and thought that the loss was over. I went in for an ultrasound a few days later to make sure everything had been flushed out naturally. I fully expected to be cleared by our RE to move on with grieving and let my body heal. That wasn’t the case. The tissue and vessels that had connected me to our baby was still intact even though the sac was gone. I was prescribed misoprostol to basically induce a labor of sorts and shed the rest of the tissue. I was given oxy and an anti nausea prescription to take with it and I had heard from a close friend that it was a painful process. To say I was expecting a good deal of pain and a very long night was an understatement. But I should know that my body doesn’t do what it is supposed to and the medication had absolutely no effect on me. No cramps. No bleeding. The next step was to attempt it again the next night. 4 more pills taken vaginally and again, no reaction. I was hoping there was nothing left to lose and that was why nothing happened. I mean really, how can nothing be working the way it should? Could I not catch a break? The next day was another ultrasound and another blow. That lining was still hanging on. Time was up to let my body handle this loss on its own. I was scheduled for a procedure called IPAS. That brings us to today. I ate dinner at 5:30 last night and was instructed to eat nothing before my 2:00 appointment today.
Hubby’s mom came to watch the girls, showing up 20 minutes early and waking the girls from their naps. She wanted to take the girls on a walk with her friend who lives down the road. All I wanted was to go into my procedure with no worries. I wanted the girls safe and sound at home while I wasn’t there with them. What I did not want was my girls out for a walk with a person I had never met on our windy back road with no sidewalks. I did not want my mother in laws attention divided between caring for my kids and socializing with her friend. I told Hubby I was not comfortable with the walk idea and thought he would take care of it. Long story short, it lead to a huge argument in the car on the way to the hospital where harsh words were spoken and lots of tears fell between my hurt feelings and the emotions of what I was going through emotionally. Those tears turned into sobs for the loss of our baby, for the fact that we were going back to where our baby was transferred back to me and now we were officially ending its journey and perhaps the finality of our attempts to have any more children. It all seemed to be too much.
I was unable to turn off the tears as we entered the unit or when the nurse had me signing consents. I cried through my IV and the doctor explaining the procedure. I waited in the same room where I had waited for my egg retrieval and four transfers. For all of our happy, hopeful events and here I sat waiting to end that journey in tragedy, in loss. I was a mess. They rolled me into the same OR where they brought our Embryos back to me—all 5 of them. What a full circle we have traveled. I waited for the drugs to take effect, to relax me and put me into the twilight they promised. It never came. The speculum hurt. The shot to the cervix hurt. The dilation hurt. Then they began suction and I have never been in so much pain. I bawled and grabbed onto the bars of the bed. It was terrible. I feel like I hadn’t been prepared for the pain of this procedure at all. It seemed to take forever and I seemed to be bleeding more than expected. When I finally got wheeled out I was still hurting.. and crying. This was not how this road was supposed to end. It was supposed to be a beginning of a beautiful new life. Not such a painful end to a life hardly started. But whether or not this was how it was supposed to go, this is the end of our little Frosty’s story.
I ate some crackers with ginger ale, took both Ibuprofen and an antibiotic and we were on our way home. It’s over. There is no more baby, nothing left of my pregnancy except for a dull ache from the trauma my uterus went through today. I hurt for so many reasons and hope that I can finally start to heal. I worry that I will have to give up on having another baby because Hubby is content with just our two. My heart not only has to heal from losing our baby but heal from the loss of the possibility of becoming a Mommy again, of carrying another life inside of me. I am not ready to mourn that loss yet. That is a seed for another post on another day. Now I will focus on finding comfort in my bed and in my heating pad. Tomorrow I will find comfort in my little family as we spend the day together.