The final stage

This miscarriage has been so draining, emotionally as well as physically. It has drawn out over weeks. I felt like it was behind us several times only to be knocked down when the doctors and nurses reported that it wasn’t over. Last I wrote, I believe I had gone through the actually miscarriage of the baby and thought that the loss was over. I went in for an ultrasound a few days later to make sure everything had been flushed out naturally. I fully expected to be cleared by our RE to move on with grieving and let my body heal. That wasn’t the case. The tissue and vessels that had connected me to our baby was still intact even though the sac was gone. I was prescribed misoprostol to basically induce a labor of sorts and shed the rest of the tissue. I was given oxy and an anti nausea prescription to take with it and I had heard from a close friend that it was a painful process. To say I was expecting a good deal of pain and a very long night was an understatement. But I should know that my body doesn’t do what it is supposed to and the medication had absolutely no effect on me. No cramps. No bleeding.  The next step was to attempt it again the next night. 4 more pills taken vaginally and again, no reaction. I was hoping there was nothing left to lose and that was why nothing happened. I mean really, how can nothing be working the way it should? Could I not catch a break? The next day was another ultrasound and another blow. That lining was still hanging on. Time was up to let my body handle this loss on its own. I was scheduled for a procedure called IPAS. That brings us to today. I ate dinner at 5:30 last night and was instructed to eat nothing before my 2:00 appointment today.

Hubby’s mom came to watch the girls, showing up 20 minutes early and waking the girls from their naps. She wanted to take the girls on a walk with her friend who lives down the road. All I wanted was to go into my procedure with no worries. I wanted the girls safe and sound at home while I wasn’t there with them. What I did not want was my girls out for a walk with a person I had never met on our windy back road with no sidewalks. I did not want my mother in laws attention divided between caring for my kids and socializing with her friend. I told Hubby I was not comfortable with the walk idea and thought he would take care of it. Long story short, it lead to a huge argument in the car on the way to the hospital where harsh words were spoken and lots of tears fell between my hurt feelings and the emotions of what I was going through emotionally. Those tears turned into sobs for the loss of our baby, for the fact that we were going back to where our baby was transferred back to me and now we were officially ending its journey and perhaps the finality of our attempts to have any more children. It all seemed to be too much.

I was unable to turn off the tears as we entered the unit or when the nurse had me signing consents. I cried through my IV and the doctor explaining the procedure. I waited in the same room where I had waited for my egg retrieval and four transfers. For all of our happy, hopeful events and here I sat waiting to end that journey in tragedy, in loss. I was a mess. They rolled me into the same OR where they brought our Embryos back to me—all 5 of them. What a full circle we have traveled. I waited for the drugs to take effect, to relax me and put me into the twilight they promised. It never came. The speculum hurt. The shot to the cervix hurt. The dilation hurt. Then they began suction and I have never been in so much pain. I bawled and grabbed onto the bars of the bed. It was terrible. I feel like I hadn’t been prepared for the pain of this procedure at all. It seemed to take forever and I seemed to be bleeding more than expected. When I finally got wheeled out I was still hurting.. and crying.  This was not how this road was supposed to end. It was supposed to be a beginning of a beautiful new life. Not such a painful end to a life hardly started. But whether or not this was how it was supposed to go, this is the end of our little Frosty’s story.

I ate some crackers with ginger ale, took both Ibuprofen and an antibiotic and we were on our way home. It’s over. There is no more baby, nothing left of my pregnancy except for a dull ache from the trauma my uterus went through today. I hurt for so many reasons and hope that I can finally start to heal. I worry that I will have to give up on having another baby because Hubby is content with just our two. My heart not only has to heal from losing our baby but heal from the loss of the possibility of becoming a Mommy again, of carrying another life inside of me. I am not ready to mourn that loss yet.  That is a seed for another post on another day. Now I will focus on finding comfort in my bed and in my heating pad. Tomorrow I will find comfort in my little family as we spend the day together.

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Sleep issues and other odds and ends

We survived a double helping of ear infection but are still battling runny noses and the occasional cough. Fingers are constantly in mouths and some toes have even found their way up high enough to be sucked on. The girls are constantly cracking me up because those personalities are shining through! They are certainly relating to six month development and I hope in a few weeks they will show some interest in sippy cups and will be able to sit up with a bit more stability. Today, I put Isabelle’s bottle in her lap while I situated her sister and when I turned around she was happily holding it up and chugging away. I made such a big deal out of it and she was so proud of herself! Feeding themselves will be so helpful but I will also miss our bottle sessions together on the couch.  I also tried a new bath strategy today! I put both girls into a laundry basket in the tub and it worked pretty well except for a slippery soap bottle smacking Olivia in the head and leaving a good bump and cut- It was one of those worst mom in the world feeling moments. They still slipped around a bit so more stability sitting up will only make this bathing situation easier.

What has happened that I am not loving is a bit of a sleep regression. I had to bite the bullet and keep the girls home today just to try desperately to figure out a nap schedule because I just can’t seem to get the timing right and I am ending up with overtired babies at bed time. One girl is always up after 30 minutes, and it is not always the same little lady waking early. Today, they would be awake between 2 and 3 hours and I would put them down for naps in their cribs and Isabelle woke up 30 minutes later. I ended up waking Olivia not long after so that they stayed on the same schedule. This happened for their 10:00 nap and their 1:00 nap. Then nobody seemed tired for a 4:00 nap so I didn’t push it. BUT around 5:00 they both started fussing and rubbing eyes…Too late for naps and too early for bed, what do I do???  I let them each grab a 20 minute cat nap in their bouncy chair and boppy. I just can’t master this evening need for a snooze!

In addition to nap issues, Isabelle in particular has been having a tough time going to sleep at night. She will fuss a bit when I put her in her crib for a nap—maybe 5-10 minutes but bedtime is a whole other beast. We follow our routine of jammies, bottles bed like we have for months and she will sometimes fall asleep before moving to her crib, sometimes not- but once she hits the mattress, the screaming starts. Unlike naptime, she does not fall asleep after 5-10 minutes…tonight it was an hour and I ended up taking her to the couch with me so that Olivia stayed asleep. Her scream just hits this glass shattering pitch and that’s when I scoop her up. Before taking her with me I had gone in to soothe a few times to no avail. She fell asleep in my arms and I was thankfully able to transition her without waking. But an hour of screaming baby is killing me emotionally.  It physically hurts that I can’t go pick her up for snuggles when she cries but we have to get this sleeping thing taken care of. Once she is out she usually sleeps through the night—we just have to make bedtime less traumatic and more effective.

This post really wasn’t planned and is more of a stream of consciousness therapy session if you haven’t noticed. So another things I need to figure out are how to deal with my discomfort with my mother in law. She has wanted to babysit the girls and after a few trials, I am just not comfortable with it and I don’t think I ever will be. Of course this upsets Hubby because he doesn’t have a problem with her watching them. But she has treated me like crap for years, tells me that she ignored my parenting decision of not letting them cry it out (this was back around 3-4 months old) and let one of them cry themselves to sleep, is not warm and fuzzy with them AT ALL, talks behind our backs and then says something nasty to my mom in another language… So how the heck can I feel okay leaving my babies with her? She wants us to all come over for a family get together in a few weeks and I just have no desire to go. I don’t really want my kids around her and I am certainly uncomfortable. I know I will want to hold my girls the whole time, which will probably annoy hubby –because he wants to hand them off to anyone for a break. And I’m sure his sister and mom will ask to hold them and I just don’t know how to handle it without his support. I know we will have to get together with them forever but with my girls still in the having to be held stage I just don’t know how to handle my anxiety and discomfort with them. I also know she wants to babysit and that is just not going to happen. I have used the “I feel more comfortable with 2 people watching them” reason because it is absolutely the truth, but I think she is starting to see that I don’t trust her to watch them.  Again, I need hubby to be on the same page as I am or else I am going to be the bad guy, which I guess I can handle because it’s not like she is my biggest fan to begin with. Anyone go through anything similar?

Finally, I am going to bury this little tid bit way at the bottom of this post because I want to write it out but not make it a main post topic yet… We are thinking about trying our last embryo sooner than I had thought. We have to start paying for our little Frosty this coming January and Hubby wants to try before that kicks in. I am both excited and terrified! I am terrified that it won’t work, I am terrified that it will work and I will have 3 under 3, or even 3 under 2! I would love to be pregnant one more time and I know I will be crushed if it fails because that is our last shot –I don’t think I want to go through the whole retrieval process again, especially if we end up with multiple frozen embryos because I would want to try them all. I would like to try sooner so that we can come to terms with having our perfect twins and no other children should it not work.  As of now, we have another baby waiting for us, but nobody can tell us if we will ever be able to take him/her home. I would really like to know. There is an endless pros/cons list going on in my head about trying before the end of this year. Am I ready? Is my body ready? Can I handle a pregnancy and take care of two toddlers? Can I handle 2 toddlers and a newborn? Do we have the room? The money? Will hubby react better the second time around now that he knows what to expect? How am I going to go to monitoring appointments without the girls?  All of that aside, I desperately want it to work. I feel like our Frosty will complete our family. Hubby usually has good instincts and guessed we would get pregnant with twins the third IVF cycle, then that they would be girls and he was right on. This time he says it will work and it’s a boy. So when do we try? I don’t think I want a winter baby because I just felt too claustrophobic this time around, but maybe that would be different with the twins being older. Anyone love having a newborn in a specific season with other children?  We are looking at a late summer baby if we try this fall as Hubby wants to do. I was thinking of waiting until next summer and having a spring baby the following year. I would love to hear your thoughts!  I’m sure a post that is fully devoted to this topic is coming in the near future. Anyways, that’s what is running around in my head tonight now that everyone is finally sleeping but me.  Hope everyone is enjoying their summer and staying cool!

15 weeks!

Due Date December 15, 2016

How far along: 15 weeks

Babies are the size of: apples

With the end of the school year and first few days of vacation, I have not been keeping up with my weekly posts. I am hoping that it gets better as I get into my summer routine! But we are into our second trimester with our twins and in a few short weeks we will be at our half way mark! We were able to announce publicly after our 13 week appointment. We did a cute picture with our shoes saying…Daddy (with his birth year) Mommy (with birth year) and ________ twins December 2016. It was adorable and it feels so good to have reached a point where we could tell the world!

Maternity clothes:  I am in maternity clothes most of the time. When it’s not maternity wear, it’s pajama pants. Summer is all about comfort but I do need to go buy some new PJ shorts and tank tops for everyday wear.

Stretch marks:  I am pretty sure the ones on my side are getting to be more pronounced. I am doing cocoa butter lotion daily but I am sure that is just going to be a mental thing for me as I am bound to get stretch marks.

Symptoms: Most symptoms that I had have disappeared for the most part. I still burp quite a bit and pee ALL THE TIME! Some new symptoms are Sciatic nerve pain shooting down the left side of my backside, hip pain on the right and an inability to be standing/walking for more than 15 minutes or so at a time. I tried to walk at the mall last week and came back to Hubby in the bookstore completely drained, sweaty and out of breath. All I want to do is sit down with my feet up. Going up stairs, watering the plants and going to get the mail all leave me winded and ready for a nap. Finally, I am having pretty vivid dreams, usually of my Hubby looking at other women (that we know)…feeling insecure/unattractive much? Not fun.

Sleep: Sleep is a toss-up. Some nights I will only get up 3 times and sleep comfortably. Other nights I am up every hour to pee or roll over to the other hip. Any side alternation also makes me have to pee. I am frequently wide awake in the early morning for about an hour, and then I am wide awake by 7AM. There have been more days where I wake up with a headache and an overall feeling of head congestion. I was thinking it could be due to not drinking water for 8 hours while I sleep and that I am waking up dehydrated. The lack of sleep at night is a huge contributing factor to my daytime naps!

Belly button in or out:  In

Wedding rings on or off: Wedding rings are still on but my right hand infinity ring had to come off already. The digits are getting pretty swollen in this hot and humid weather.

Movement: I wasn’t sure at first if what I was feeling was stretching or baby movements. Over the past few days, I am pretty sure I am feeling two squirming babies in there! I usually feel them more at night when I am laying still, and more often when I am on my side. I can’t wait to feel them more definitively and for Hubby to be able to feel them himself!

Food cravings: I’m really not craving much. There are times where I see a commercial or someone says something and I really want to eat whatever it is. I am glad that I can eat full meals again though, maybe I can put some weight on.

Anything make you sick or queasy: I still don’t want scrambled eggs or omelets. The smell of fish was a problem at a family party and again when we went out to dinner for father’s day. I did throw up for the first time on the last day of school- however it was due to gagging while brushing my teeth so I don’t think it should count. I do gag…a lot! It happens more in the mornings and I am surprised that it hasn’t led to more vomiting.

Miss anything: Still sushi…and soft cheeses…it seems that every salad at restaurants has gorgonzola or blue cheese and it just sounds so yummy! I could also go for a lunch meat sandwich! I am finally allowing myself the occasional iced caramel macchiato if I pass a Starbucks. Only 150 mg of caffeine! Good thing there’s not one in my town or I would be there every day! Mainly I miss not having to think about whether I can eat something!

Labor signs: Not for a long while yet!

Mood: Weeks 11-13 I was pretty happy. This week and last I am finding that I am more emotional. I have wanted more affection and have cried over absolutely nothing. I am also having a hard time not saying what I think, even if it’s irrational. I am finding that I am easily annoyed by others.

Boy or girl: Don’t know but we are dying to find out! Not for another 5 weeks! I wonder if my lack of intuition on this matter means that there are one of each in there. I did have a boy girl dream one night. If I had to guess I would say 2 boys though.

Best moment of the week:  Getting a Doppler for our good friends. We have been able to find both heartbeats and the peace of mind I get from that is immense! I also think it is helping us connect to our babies. And of course…School ending!!

Looking forward to: Our anatomy scan in 5 weeks! I can’t wait to start decorating and shopping while I am not too big to move!

Purchases for babies: Nothing yet, it is so hard for me to make purchases without knowing the genders! But I think we will have to start making choices on things like strollers, cribs and furniture.

Purchases for mom: A few books…currently reading What To Do When You’re Having Two.

 

 

 

8 week update

Due Date: December 15, 2016

How far along: 8 weeks

Babies are the size of: raspberries

Maternity clothes: Not yet- but some work pants are getting a little snug.

Stretch marks: No new ones

Symptoms: Not too much, which I am thankful for. I get tired easily and just want to lay down when I get home. Constipation was an issue this week as was frequent urination.  Today was the worst nausea to date but I haven’t thrown up…yet!

Sleep: Crappy. Waking up every 2 hours or so to pee!

Belly button in or out: In

Wedding rings on or off: On

Movement: Not yet

Food cravings: I had to stop on the way home this week to get the fixings for root beer floats! Hubby went grocery shopping and I made a PB and Fluff…Haven’t had one of those since I was a kid. My past cravings of sour and carbs have calmed down some.

Anything make you sick or queasy: Scrambled eggs and omelets…yuck. I can do fried eggs though as long as it is in a bagel.

Miss anything: I miss my morning iced coffee! I made Hubby get one even though he didn’t want it just so that I could have a few sips. Also…Sushi! It’s going to be a long 7 months without our sushi date nights.

Labor signs: No, and not expecting them for a long time.

Mood: Tired and impatient. I don’t have the patience with my kids at work, which could be due to how tired I am. I also worry…a lot. Trying to get that under control and consciously enjoy finally being pregnant!

Boys or girls: Won’t know for some time yet. I wish I had a feeling about what they are, but it isn’t coming to me.

Best moment of the week: Seeing our two little raspberries on ultrasound today! They have grown so much in the past 2 weeks! We could clearly see 2 heads, spines, brains and sets of arm and leg buds! Seeing them made this Mama feel much better!

Looking forward to: Our next ultrasound in 2 weeks! We have graduated from our specialist and are moving to our OBGYNs care. Since we are high risk, most ultrasounds will be done at the hospital on the high tech machines…and will be done more often!

Purchases for babies: Nothing yet, but I may start now since I am feeling more confident about this pregnancy.

Purchases for mom: Nothing yet. I do see some maternity leggings and summer tops in my future though!

 

FET a go and why I love my husband

There is nothing like waking up bright and early on a Saturday to get your blood drawn. Especially on a Saturday where everything is covered in snow and it is only 9 degrees outside. Yesterday I would have been extremely happy to stay in bed until hubby got home at 9. That would have been nice…but I had to go find out if my HCG level had dropped below 10 so that we can start our first FET cycle. To look on the upside, I liked driving there in the daylight rather than the predawn pitch black that I get to navigate through on workdays. There was also less traffic. The wait was a little longer and I was sitting across from 3 pregnant women. Not cool. That was just an unnecessary slap in the face on this bitterly cold morning. I used to panic before blood draws, I was not a fan of needles and anticipated the prick with such high anxiety. Now I’m in, I’m stuck and I’m out. I can direct them to the best vein…usually in the arm that isn’t as bruised. My poor veins need a break. Then I was out of there to wait for the call that we could either start estrogen patches or come back on Monday to get another level check.

 
Hubby forgot to tell me that he couldn’t find his keys the night before and grabbed his truck key off of my key ring. That meant that he had no house key. Of course we have a spare, but with the snow and all- not so easy to get to. I figured he would dig it out and be asleep by the time I got home. I stopped for coffee and pulled into the driveway to see him waiting for me in his truck. I know he was just waiting for my key, but I was glad I got to hug him and chat for a minute before he went to bed.

 
I relaxed guilt free with a nice fire and my kindle- I’m reading the 5th Wave series and I got hooked. I was pleasantly surprised that the Dr. on call got back to me before noon. The results were in…HCG level…2. We are a go for our next cycle. The patch was promptly applied to my rear end and I went about putting dates on our calendar. I will be on 1 patch for several days, changing every other day of course, then 2 patches, then 4 and then back to 2 until Transfer. It looks like transfer will be February 25 with monitoring appointments beginning about a week before. My plan: no stress, no carbs, lots of water and POM juice. Gotta grow that lining nice and thick.

 
On a slightly different note- I had a nice crying session to hubby the other day. While I know that we have only had 1 cycle, and many women take more than one IVF cycle to have a successful pregnancy- I felt panicked. If that one didn’t work, will any of them? What if it is my eggs? If so, what will we do if all 6 covered rounds fail? Is that it? I knew that Hubby was hesitant to adopt, if it is just my eggs, do I want someone else’s eggs? Then the baby would be genetically my hubby’s but not mine. Not sure how I feel about that. A surrogate? That all seems so complicated and expensive. Would my chances of having a baby end with the 6th IVF? Hubby’s answer was that we would just keep trying naturally.

 
My thoughts: What about this does he not get at this point? If I could get pregnant naturally we would not be where we are.
Whether or not this is what he meant or not, what I heard was that if these 6 cycles don’t work we are done unless some miracle called natural conception occurs.
Que the crying, the utter panic that I need one of these cycles to work or else I would never be a mother. That is a ton of pressure to put on myself. I saw the next 5 months as a countdown to the end rather than 5 more chances to succeed.

 
I wasn’t mad at him for this- I understood all of his points and the concerns of cost and genetics. I know he wants a baby that is genetically ours. So do I. I also knew that if we don’t succeed in the next 5 months we had some very difficult conversations ahead of us. I decided to tell him my thoughts, which I’m pretty sure he already knows in depth. I want to be a mother. It is the only thing I have dreamed about since I was a little girl playing house. I can’t give up on my dream. But the decision is no longer mine alone. I love my husband. If I had to choose between him and this dream I would choose him hands down. He is my soul mate. But my entire being wants to be a mother. So we left it at that- his thoughts and mine out on the table with nowhere to go for the next 5 months.

 
Then this morning he comes home from work and tells me we need to talk. Oh boy. Did something happen at work? Is he not going to be put on days this summer? Are we going to have that weight loss and healthy eating conversation again? Is he going to tell me that he wants to take a break from IVF? Not only did he need to talk, he wanted to go talk on the couch so that (in his words) he could hug me after… I swear if he is doing all of this and stressing me out to tell me that he wants me to buy him more bananas I was going to kill him. He has been known to do this type of thing before. I would think that after almost 5 years he has learned that this is a bad idea. So I got out of bed and made my way to the couch. He sat next to me and asked me to make him an omelet. Are you freaking kidding me!?!?! Good thing he was kidding.
Then the serious talk began.
He started by saying that he was thinking at work last night. Here is what came next “ I love you too much to not have your dreams come true”. If our next 5 cycles don’t work we will not give up. We will do what we have to do to have a baby. And then I started crying. I do a lot of that. It was like he lifted a huge weight off of me. The pressure that I felt for these next 5 to work felt lighter. I want to have my babies on my own. I want to feel them grow inside of me and have them put on my chest as soon as they are born. I still worry that that will not happen. But the worry that I will never get to be a mother got lighter. I told him that this was probably the best and most meaningful thing he has ever said to me. Then I made him an omelet!
I married the perfect man for me. No doubt about it. I know that it takes him more time to process things- especially changes. Take our getting married for example—it took him forever to process this idea and make a decision. Same went for moving in together and telling me that he loves me. It just takes him longer. He is a thinker. This being said, his decisions are sound. His choices are more meaningful because I know how much thought he has put into it. This decision that he has made for our family and for my happiness is brave of him- it is selfless and it is the deepest part of what marriage means. We put the dreams of our spouse before our own. We do everything we can to ensure their happiness. I hope he feels that I do this for him as well. I have always been proud to be his wife, he is an amazing man and today, he only deepened that pride I have for him and our marriage and our future family.

Cycle Day 1…again

Here we are again…Cycle day 1. Our Beta dropped back down on Monday. I haven’t been in a place to write about it, or think about it until now. Actually, I’m not sure I am in a good place to talk about it even now. We knew last Friday that the odds were not in our favor to keep this pregnancy. While our numbers did rise, they did not double. Hubby held out hope over the weekend that we had a little fighter on our hands who was just a little slow to start. Anyone who knew our situation would say that there was still hope and that miracles happen. I could not let myself go there. I couldn’t get my hopes up again only to be crushed again 3 days later. I knew it was over. I did most of my crying after that Friday phone call. I spent the weekend relaxing and actively trying not to think about what was happening inside of me. I reminded myself that it was over- I was not pregnant. I couldn’t let myself go down the same path I went down in September. I was crying every time I was alone…in my classroom, driving home, in the shower and when Hubby left for work my anxiety was out of control. I couldn’t do that again. I know that this might happen again. If I shut down every time, it is not helping my body get ready for a baby and will make the coming months exponentially stressful. Am I sad? Very much so. The picture of our embryo is still on the fridge. I mourn the loss of what might have been. I mourn the hope that we had at the start of this cycle, that will not be matched in the future. I miss the nausea and stretching that I was feeling. I am sad but I am moving forward.
The spotting started yesterday afternoon. By the time I woke up this morning I was having pretty serious cramps and my Aunt Flo was here in full force. For a day one, it is probably the heaviest period I have ever had. For this reason, I am so happy that today is also a snow day! The first one of the year! I am happy to stay home with my Tylenol and heating pad. I plan to spend the rest of my day experimenting with gluten free recipes…yes, I am desperate enough to give it a shot. I am not really sure if I will end up doing the entire gluten free avenue or just carb free. All I know is that I have to do something to make me feel in control of my infertility. Something is obviously not working. I can’t go through the next cycle thinking that it was something I could control that was keeping me from staying pregnant. That being said, goodbye carbs and hello real food. I am trying to view this as a challenge to make healthy meals taste better. Last night was eggplant parm without the breading and baked instead of fried. That was a win. Tonight I am making chicken nachos—on baby peppers instead of chips. Tomorrow night will be spaghetti squash with ground beef and homemade tomato sauce. I have never jumped on the spaghetti squash in place of pasta bandwagon but since pasta is on my list of foods I will miss most, I have to give it a shot.
So where do we go from here? For more blood work of course. Due to the storm today, I will go in tomorrow morning and hope that my HCG levels are below 10. If this is the case, I will start estrogen patches tomorrow and we will have our FET on February 25. If the numbers have not dropped enough I will go back on Monday and hope that they have in the extra 2 days. While I am glad to be onto our second IVF cycle, I am worried about what the problem could be. Were these 2 early losses merely luck of the draw? They implant then fizzle. Were these 2 just not quite perfect? Or is there a bigger problem? Is it my hormone levels? That we can probably fix. My biggest worry is that the problem lies within my eggs. What if whatever problem we had with the first two will carry on through all of my eggs? I have read that the increased level of testosterone in women with PCOS can damage egg quality. Unfortunately, genetic testing runs between 2,000 and 8,000 and we wouldn’t consider it for our already frozen embryos. That means that we have at least 2 more cycles that we will just have to pray, then wait and see. My nurse doesn’t seem overly worried about our first IVF loss. I will have to try to take their optimistic point of view. I honestly can say that I couldn’t have imagined the pain of multiple losses before I knew about my infertility. I also could never imagined the strength that I would find throughout this journey. This mindset that, no matter how much heartache we are faced with, I am willing to keep going, to risk that hurt again. And isn’t that the epitome of being a mother.

Officially PUPO!

We are officially PUPO! One beautiful 5 day blastocyst was transferred back to me this morning. The last we heard of our babies was on Saturday for our day 3 report. All six were going strong. We were told to be at the surgery center at 11:20 for our 11:40 transfer. The only reason they would call would be if we had nothing to transfer. I begged my phone not to ring. I stayed in bed until Hubby came home from work and worried over my still sore mid section. Would this discomfort cause me to have a freeze all? I tried to lay down for as long as possible. But alas, we had to get ready to go. I kept on schedule with the prometrium (felt pretty gross about that and people being all up in that area.) and changed my estrogen patches. I did as I was told and emptied my bladder right before we left and filled up my water bottle with 8 ounces to drink before we got there. Nobody called, so we were on the road.

 
I always like to get places early and I am glad we did because there was no parking! We had to park over in front of the labor and delivery building…I’ll take that as a good sign. I figured we could relax for a few minutes and I could sip my water. That was until my phone rang. Would they really wait until 30 minutes before transfer to call and cancel? I’m sure a look of panic passed over my face. It was the IVF unit, they were wondering where I was. What?? They said to be in at 11:20 and it was only 10 after. She told me that the nurses were getting ansty. Seriously? I was just doing what I was instructed to do. But hey, sure we are just sitting in the parking lot so in we went. I guzzled the last of the water as we braved the Arctic blast that decided to come along today.

 
Hubby and I were directed to our cubicle. I stripped from the waist down and donned my beautiful gown, socks and hair net while hubby got to put on scrubs! So glad I got a picture of that. The nurse asked if I had a full bladder..It was getting there. Then asked if I wanted to use the bathroom.. What now? Wasn’t the point to have a full bladder? Why would I empty it? I declined because it wasn’t uncomfortable and she asked if I wanted more to drink. I was so confused. I just passed on all options and hopped up on the gurney. My doctor came in to go over things with us, and I was very happy it was my doctor and not another in the practice. It just made me feel better. Then we started rolling. After the first set of doors I saw my ultrasound tech, Amy! I just about started crying then! She had done every single one of my ultrasounds in the past 9 months. It just made me happy to see her there for this one! Into the OR we went, Hubby trailing along after the bed. I got wrapped in heated blankets and felt all cozy. The lab nurse came in to make sure I was me and that they were giving us the right baby. She also informed us that we had 3 blastocysts already frozen and that it was tough to pick out the best of the four! Yay! 4 of the six were perfectly perfect! They are keeping the remaining 2 for another day to see if they keep going, but she wasn’t too optimistic. I am beyond thrilled with 3 frozen perfect embryos!
Then came my favorite part…the picture! A perfectly beautiful picture of our embryo. Of course I started crying! We made that! And now it was going to be put back inside of me and hopefully grow to become our child! Yep, this was my favorite part!

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Finally it was time to get into position…legs up, speculum in…speculum readjusted, cotton swabs to clean the way. Finally the catheter was placed in and there was some pretty serious pressure from the ultrasound ( I finally got the outside one!) That is when I realized just how sore my poor ovaries still are. Even Amy said that they were definitely puffy. With that, we were ready for the embryo. “Ready the spaghetti” is what the nurse said, to which my hubby replied “the spaghetti is ready” oh boy, I was with a bunch of comedians here. In came the catheter which held our Little. We watched on the screen as they found the perfect spot, and out it came, like a little shooting star. The lab nurse took the catheter back to make sure it was empty. Our little one was definitely back where it belongs.

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The white line in the middle of the blackest space is our little shooting star!

I got to lay in those heated blankets for 20 minutes before they let me get up. Hubby went to get the car (what a great hubby!) and we were off to lunch at the Panera where we first met.
Now that I am home, I am enjoying a relaxing day cozied up by the fire, Pinteresting all things baby! Hubby and I are both taking sick days tomorrow, just to take a breather. I want to have another day of no stress before I go back to work, which is pretty darn stressful. It also doesn’t hurt that I am getting out of a training that I really didn’t want to do. What I want is to give this Little One the best shot I can. If it means playing hooky to give it time to implant and make itself at home, that is what I am going to do—guilt free! Now comes the long 9 day wait to find out if this being that I already love is going to stick with us!