Now what?

Where do you go from here? That is the question ping ponging around my mind day in and day out. A miscarriage is traumatic whether it is in the first trimester or the last. Losing a child, whether you have held it in your arms or not leaves scars that do not easily fade. Frosty was our last embryo from our first retrieval. I carried him or her- we will go with him because that’s what my dream told me- for about a month and felt every stretch of growth, every night of heartburn and nausea and every craving for cheeseburgers, orange juice and pickles. I dreamed about this baby and his future. Who would he look like, what would he love and hate, who would he become. I saw him running in the backyard with his sisters. So when they could no longer find a heartbeat on that unforgettable morning- my baby died along with all of my dreams for him and growing our family.

I opted to let my body try to handle this loss naturally and it took just over a week. That week was full of cramping and crying. There has not been a day that has gone by in over 3 weeks where I have not cried. I had no idea how my body would handle this loss but I was not prepared for the actual event of my miscarriage. It was not just a heavy period but a birthing process that my girls witnessed because I was the only one home with them and couldn’t leave then unattended for the amount of time it took. I was not prepared for this loss on any front.

It’s been 2 days now that I have not held my baby under my heart and my heart and body ache for it. My mind is racing for way to heal, to move forward and to decide what is next for our family. To grow our family means another retrieval.  It also would mean PGS testing to lower our chances of this happening again. That is not cheap and not covered by insurance. Our biggest question, or at least my biggest conflict is whether I am at peace with having my two girls and no more. I love our girls to the moon and back which is a huge reason I want another. I am struggling greatly with the question of what is best for them. I was one of two children so I can’t attest to having to share with more than one other sibling. My concerns are for them…

My main concern is that with three, one will be left out…

I have 2 hands, one for each of them. With a third, one will have to hold a sibling or my shirt or some other dangling something.

My lap fits two…not so much three at a time.

When they all have sporting events or recitals or whatever they may be involved in…somebody doesn’t have a parent watching them.

Another concern is more selfish. We are finally normalizing our adult relationship. We are enjoying a few hours together after bedtime and cocktails on the deck. We are sleeping through the night. We are well rested and more like our old, energized selves. I can see the future with the girls, growing and enjoying more activities and traditions together.  Do we want to reset the clock and go back to sleepless nights, endless bottles, colic, spit up, sleep training etc. My mind says I love my sleep but my heart says it will only be another year or so of our lives before a third baby will sleep the night through and we will be back to where we are today. Can our marriage survive another go with a newborn?

Then there are the logistics… Finances are balanced well for our current situation. A third might make things a bit tight. We would definitely need a mini van.  I also have Target and Costco trips down with two…three would be a whole new ballgame.

Of course we thought of all of this before our last FET but it was just a natural progression as Frosty was our last embryo and we had to close the circle. This would be a very intentional and big decision to start over and possibly have more embryos left over yet again. Can I leave them there? Can I dispose of them? I am fairly certain three children would be it for us. And finally, do I want to put myself through a retrieval again? Shots, monitoring, more shots, hormone induced emotions, surgery, recovery and who knows how many FETs.

All of these considerations are being balanced with the very strong desire in my heart to carry, birth and love one more baby, one more toddler and watch them grow into whoever they are destined to become. I long to feel life inside of me, for a different birthing experience, newborn snuggles, cooing, first smiles and laughs. I want to watch my girls become big sisters. I want to savor one last time, the magic that is having another combination of hubby and I look back at me from the bassinet beside the bed. I look down the road and see a big family, three kids coming home with their own families.

It is a big decision. One that Hubby and I will make together, hopefully both leaning the same way. What I know is that we are not ready to make that decision today. Our loss is to fresh, the tears still fall daily. But soon we will need to decide and it is honestly looking to be one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make.